Learning to be selfish

       Any new mother knows that at the time you hear that very first heartbeat, feel that first kick or see that first blob picture that they claim is your baby, your life changes forever. I remember the day that I found out that I was pregnant with Quinton. My first and my only. I said that I would get that pee pee cup and test dipped in gold to commemorate what I had accomplished. See, I never take conception for granted. I know that it is truly a miracle from God and just because both of us have organs there is no guarantee that it will happen. I think we as believers think the same thing. We want results but we don't want to put the work in necessary to make sure that it comes to pass. And we definitely don't want to go through the labor and pain that it will take to birth it. But, thats another topic for another time.

      Back to Quinton. I spent my whole pregnancy making sure I ate the right things that he liked if not I suffered the consequences. I slept in uncomfortable positions just so that he wouldn't attack me in the middle of the night. I sacrificed my sleep, my patience, my time, my beauty, my waistline even my relationship with others including my husband because I put him first. I felt that if God blessed me with this precious gift I needed to do everything I could to nurture it and make sure he would turn out as perfect as God planned.  So, I planned everything, down to the birth based on the books I had read and people I had talked to. Everyone tells you how important it is to do whats best for baby even when its inconvenient. Well, we all know when we plan, God laughs. All of my planning and preparations fell off of that proverbial cliff.

      In the end I was left with scars that remind me everyday that God is still in control and that no matter how it may seem He will always make every situation for your good. So 5 months, 1 week and 5 days later I am still putting him first. I am still making those sacrifices just to see the smile on his little face. Trust me that face is to die for. But it just hit me this week that it has been a long time since I have done anything for ME. I have been putting ministry first, family first, job first, everybody and their bald headed cousins first but Mia she has fallen over that same cliff with my plans. Am I wrong? I think so and Ill tell you why. The Greatest Commandment according to Jesus Christ himself is found in Mark 12:28-31 The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’There is no commandment greater than these.”

     Wait, so what you are saying Jesus is that I am to love my neighbor as myself... but if I neglect loving myself how can I truly love my neighbor? I had to realise that I am living a lie if I say that I love everyone else and I don't take the time to take care of me. Think about it. When you neglect yourself your outer appearance suffers so people are afraid to approach you, your emotional well being suffers so people are afraid to talk to you and your spirit suffers so praying fervently for someone else and truly believing it is out of the question. So if everyone is afraid of you how are you loving them?

      SO WE MUST LEARN TO BE SELFISH! Take the time to invest in YOU! Its not all about spending money or shopping although those things are quite fun. What it is about is spending sometime making sure that you are your best self physically, emotionally and spiritually. Remember that you are a direct reflection of the kingdom. Last time I checked the kingdom doesn't look like downtown Baltimore. No offense but hey I'm from there lol. The kingdom is not dusty, full of depressed people,no direction, no hope, tripping over rats the size of most cats. The Kingdom of God is a land of many mansions, filled with milk and honey, streets of gold, rejoicing, and trees dripping with glory and favor. So I'm going to learn to be selfish and believe that in my selfishness I will be blessing my neighbors. For truly the greatest of these things is Love so I need to learn love ME!

That's my confession! What's yours?